Okay, so I am rehashing an older post, but my sister and I were talking this morning and the topic turned to family and I was recounting some issues of how some members of our family have adjusted to what is now an interracial extended family. This turned to my experience when Matthew, Lydia, and I were trying to adopt children through the state of Texas, where we lived at the time. It was an awful experience that left us with no more children and a bad taste in our mouths. The natural turn of discussion was to the stupers (for definition see Counterfeit Humans) who pontificate about celebrity adoptions and about those who make the rules that make it difficult for children needing parents to be matched with people wanting to be parents. So I am re-posting a previous rant (April, 14, 2008) about this topic. For those of you who read it then, my apologies for redundancy, (although I added a bit at the end) but then again sometimes we simply need to continue to stand on the roof and shout at the fools in the world.
Matthew and I have a routine of drinking our morning coffee while we view our recorded BBC World News. We usually have some lively discussion about the news items, but today I was brought to tearful anger over one of the stories. I attempted to find reference to the story at the BBC online and found only older somewhat related articles at other sites. The closest I found was this one in which the same Liverpool child psychologist referenced in the BBC news states that international adoptions and in particular celebrity international adoptions are causing two negative results.
- Parents in some countries are abandoning their children at institutions thinking they will be adopted and have a better life therefore increasing the numbers of children in these institutions as a result of highly publicized adoptions.
- Children in Europe and the United States are not being adopted because people are turning to international adoption more because of the celebrity adoptions. He (Kevin Brown) cited very high rates of children in Arizona awaiting adoption because of this situation.
I am quite convinced that many children in institutions have parents. Some were left there by parents who could not or would not care for them . That happens all over the world and has been happening for thousands of years. Others were taken from abusive or neglectful parents. Some are truly without family. However, does he have any idea how many parents are out there who would adopt a child if they could afford to or could get through the paper trail and still be able when the waiting was finished. I think not.
This is simply my story and why I reacted to this psychologist saying that the reason these kids remain unadopted is because people are turning to international adoptions. This is not a logic based post it is a purely reflexive response based on our personal experience. I am not debating what is right or proper or what is easy or not or even the complexities that may lie behind the report. This is simply something I must write.
After Matthew and I married I had two ectopic pregnancies. Since we wanted more children and Lydia was asking for a sibling, we decided to adopt. We turned to the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services and began the process of training and approval to adopt. We were excited and did everything that was asked of us and were finally approved.
We poured through the database listings of children awaiting adoption and eagerly told our case worker that we were interested in this child or those children. I remember three children in particular that we were attracted to and specifically asked for. We were so drawn to them for some reason I couldn’t explain. They were Hispanic, probably with at least one medical issue. They were two boys and a little girl. They so needed a family. We thought how many people will take three children from 2 to about 11. We would ! But , “we were in a different region from them and we were not quite right for them and.…..” Well, we waited and asked the caseworker about various children (almost always siblings) we identified. Occasionally, she would tell us that she was going to a placement meeting and that she had children she would propose for us. After more than two years from being approved we continued to be told, “The placement team had not identified children appropriate for us” or that “the children we had asked that we be proposed for had been adopted by parents that they felt were more suited.”
We were repeatedly told that the first priority was on the children and what was best for the children based on their needs or desires. We got that. We were told that the best opportunity to adopt a child was to be open with our criteria . So, at the very beginning of the process we did a lot of soul searching among the three of us. We discussed what we could and could not handle (with respect to behavioral and medical conditions) and tried to be as open as our abilities and resources allowed. We were open to older children (but not older than Lydia), siblings (up to 3 — we even considered 4 once), ethnically diverse, and with some medical and behavioral problems. We wanted to be a good family for our adopted children.
We were well-educated, financially stable, happy, good parents with a large house and plenty of love to offer. However, there was a catch-22 in the system in our region. They actively recruited adoptive families and complained that there were not enough Hispanic and African-American families for the children in the system. Yet we were told “off the record” that there was a bias against interracial placements. ?!@#&*?.
Finally, we were in our third year of waiting and had an exchange student coming for a year after which we had decided to move out of state (thus ending the adoption possibility in Texas). My husband is a wonderful father and always said that he had a wonderful beautiful daughter that he cherished. Our daughter wanted siblings from the time she could express the wish to me. When we finally sat down together to talk about what to do, we were all so disappointed and I was heart-broken. Before we made the final decision, we verified that we were not about to have children placed with us. Nothing on the horizon but “be patient, keep waiting, some day it will happen.”
After we moved we decided that we did not want to go through this process again. I grieved first because my beloved husband did not have the opportunity to hold his own baby and then that we were not able to have adoptive children.
My point is this. Mr. Brown made some loose statements about adoption in the United States. I don’t know the specifics about the process in Texas eight years after we left nor for any other state. My experience tells me that there is a lot more wrong with adoption processes than that people are going international for their adoptions. That was what invoked the tearful anger and is why I sit here writing this with tears streaming down my face because this opened old wounds I thought heal.
Let us not forget those stupers who in this state (and others) passed a law preventing unmarried couples who are sexually intimate from adopting or fostering children. This was carefully worded so that it seems to apply to everyone but was in fact initiated to keep gay and lesbian couples from adopting or fostering children. Stupid. Ask a child what they want in a parent and they will tell you they just want a parent who loves them. Isn’t that the most important thing?
Mom, I had forgotten most of this -I remember parts of the adoption process and the waiting, the excitement, the letdowns, the frustration but forgot how long it took. I also didn’t realize how much is grieved you. I’m sorry for that. I’m glad you shared this story with your readers, and hope that others will comment with their impressions too.
Thanks, Lallalydia, I was surprised at how upset I was over what I consider an under informed statement from a British citizen about what is happening in this country.
I did finally get some additional children ….Ursina, Sofie, Noza, and our beloved Kawn. (:>D
Hugs Onedia:)
A colleague had to face a lot of harassment before they could adopt . The girl went into depression and was on drugs .Ultimately after a long wait they could fortunately adopt a baby but they went thru hell .And this , in my country which has more than its share of unwanted children especially girls .
Yes, it is really difficult to work through the adoption process and it is different in each state here and then the local people add their own spins. The system is slow.
I too had put out of mind the details of that whole episode. I am so grateful for Lydia and “the girls”
Thank-you for sharing this story.
I can feel your heart-ache, the grief all these years later.
I have known others with similar experiences. It all feels so maddening.
So many children waiting for families. So much red tape.
I’m glad you came here, shared from your heart, wrote so uncensored.
Your words have touched me.
Bella, Most of the time the grief is mostly gone, but the comments of the British psychologist just hit a nerve. He could not possibly understand what adoptive parents go through.
Onedia I found your story very, very interesting and I can verify that the process in the UK is very similar with ages spent searching for the “correct” adoptive parent when children could have been placed far earlier in loving homes. I know this because my sister in law is a social worker in the field of adoption. There are many, many barriers to adoption and yet there are many children waiting to be adopted…particularly boys. Indeed boys over the age of 9 are rarely adopted as the preference over here is to adopt babies. In fact my sister in law, who is also childless, considered adoption herself … and decided against it. Mr T and I also considered it (there being 7 years between the eldest and the second child) but with a full explaination of the procedures from his sister we decided not to pursue it. As fate had it we had two more children… but like you we could have given a child a loving home.
So much emphasis is placed on this political correctness that the authorities have forgotten that what a child really needs is love…and love transcends race, creed and colour.
I’m sorry you didn’t have more children O but it sounds to me that you done a really good job with the one you did have. And that can’t be bad.
Well, who knows what would have been. My anger was really against your countryman for not fully representing the adoption situation …Even though international adoption is a hassle (and we considered it but wanted to take kids from our community) but the probability of getting a child in a reasonable amount of time is higher.
In truth if we had felt that we could manage a child with very very severe medical and or emotional problems or a child who was a teen we could have gotten a child much sooner. We evaluated our abilities and resources and made our decisions accordingly.
It was a painful process.
Oneida, My heart goes out to you and to others who would make wonderful parents if only the system would work as hard to find decent parents with less red tape making the process take so very long.
One of my sons and his wife tried for years, finally became a foster parent for a young boy , think he was about 10 or 11 at the time. After having him for a couple of years they were finally allowed to adopt him and 2 years later they managed to adopt his sister. These two children didn`t even know each other as they were separated into different foster homes when they were very small. If only they were kept together and allowed to be adopted years earlier, they could have grown up the way a brother and sister should. My son and his wife gave up on waiting to be able to adopting a baby or little child. The system holds these babies and small children so long that eventually they become older children that are harder to find adoptive parents for. They are cheating the kids of having a loving family home. This is how I feel about the slowness of the system.
I am Dot, Susies friend.
thanks for sharing Dot and for the visit.
So sorry of your trauma. Adoption agencies do not know what an adventuous, loving family they pre-judged.
Arkansas is almost identical to Texas..no surprise. As you know I am one of the fortunate ones to have been adopted. After my parent’s deaths I embarked on finding my birth family in Texas because of unusual and multiple health problems. That process, too, is filled with booby traps, and stupers. I succeeded, but admit I did not have an expectations of success.
I now have feet in two families.