Onedia in the Ozarks

More than I would like, I encounter people who respond to hearing about ADHD, mine or ADHD in general, with “Oh, I do that.”  implying that ADHD in adults is not really a problem because we do not behave like the archetype little boy bouncing off the walls. They also say, “This is nothing important. . .it is not like you have ” some dreadful disease”!. . . .You people are really smart… It is just A behavior disorder….you can deal with it. . .” All of these responses show that this person either does NOT know anything or is denying the realities of  ADHD.   They tell me in one way or another that it is no more than a character flaw or that I need to just get a grip or  to work harder.  It is a non- issue that can be easily altered with a little effort.  It is, after all, nothing fatal and nothing that is really debilitating.

Who, Dear Reader, has any idea of the difficulties of dyslexia for people? I can’t imagine it.

Anyone have any idea of the difficulties for people with visual or auditory processing disorders?  Not me!

Well, ADHD offers distinct challenges  just as either of these learning disabilities.  So those of you who know please,  stop, read, and listen.

I agree, having ADHD is not all bad.  It is a condition that offers many gifts but along with the gits are some huge challenges that we must deal with and if you do not know you have ADHD (for 59 years) some of these challenges can be confusing, perplexing, disturbing, embarrassing, heartbreaking, overwhelming, and sometimes debilitating.  Even with the gifts and especially if we achieve any measure of skill or success you can bet that we work harder, worry more, develop coping skills, never feel like we have achieved as much as we could, and just do not understand why we do some of the things we do and cannot do other things that we so want to do.

What is ADD/ADHD?

Dr. Ned Hallowell explains it for us:

ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) or ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) is a neurological condition that is usually genetically transmitted. It is characterized by distractibility, impulsivity and restlessness or hyperactivity. In both disorders these symptoms are present from childhood on, and with a much greater intensity than in the everyday person, so that they interfere with everyday functioning.

. . . having ADD is like having a powerful race car for a brain, but with bicycle brakes. Treating ADD is like strengthening your brakes–so you start to win races in your life.

ADD/ADHD in Adults

If you have exhibited at least twelve of the following behaviors since childhood and if these symptoms are not associated with any other medical or psychiatric condition, consider an evaluation by a team of AD/HD professionals:

1. A sense of underachievement, of not meeting one’s goals (regardless of how much one has actually accomplished).
2. Difficulty getting organized.
3. Chronic procrastination or trouble getting started.
4. Many projects going simultaneously; trouble with follow through.
5. A tendency to say what comes to mind without necessarily considering the timing or appropriateness of the remark.
6. A frequent search for high stimulation.
7. An intolerance of boredom.
8. Easy distractibility; trouble focusing attention, tendency to tune out or drift away in the middle of a page or conversation, often coupled with an inability to focus at times.
9. Often creative, intuitive, highly intelligent
10. Trouble in going through established channels and following “proper” procedure.
11. Impatient; low tolerance of frustration.
12. Impulsive, either verbally or in action, as an impulsive spending of money.
13. Changing plans, enacting new schemes or career plans and the like; hot-tempered.
14. A tendency to worry needlessly, endlessly; a tendency to scan the horizon looking for something to worry about, alternating with attention to or disregard for actual dangers.
15. A sense of insecurity.
16. Mood swings, mood lability, especially when disengaged from a person or a project.
17. Physical or cognitive restlessness.
18. A tendency toward addictive behavior.
19. Chronic problems with self-esteem.
20. Inaccurate self-observation.
21. Family history of AD/HD or manic depressive illness or depression or substance abuse or other disorders of impulse control or mood

Please, if you do not have a close friend or loved-one or co-worker with ADHD you probably are like I was before my diagnosis.  I thought I knew, but truly till I put the behaviors and challenges in context of my own life and that of my husband.  I did NOT know.  I read.  I listened. I thought about it.  I talked to people who DO KNOW.  I learned.  I am ashamed that I assumed so much when my nephew was diagnosed.  Id understood about 10 per cent.

Please, do not say  and please do not DO one of the following:

“Oh but you should look at it as a gift, because you are creative or smart or yada yada.“

I do understand you may be trying to reassure me. Do you understand that you are minimizing the daily struggles that we each have just to do what is easy for you and often do so while hiding how difficult it really is for us?  Appreciate the gifts, but take time to find out what we are really struggling with.

“You are just using this as an excuse for doing what you want and/or for being so rude or annoying”

No most of us are actually agonizing over what we say or said or did that we wish we had not.  Just try to be more patient, use a little humor and even just be a kind coach to help us through moments you know we may flub.

Roll your eyes when one of us is late  or think we are stupid because we forget to do something.

Ask us if there we would appreciate a reminder call or text or email.

We don’t need pity. We don’t need judgment.  We don’t need doubt.  We need respect, understanding, and a little slack once in a while.  When we tell you something is hard, unless you have been diagnosed or can respond positively to 12 or more of the items above don’t tell us that you do this or that all the time. That just belittles us and undermines your credibility!