Mothers’ Day and Valentine’s Days are the two holidays that seem to generate all types of sentimental rhetoric, poems, songs, it goes on and on. With no wish to diminish Mothers’ Day for anyone and no intention to address the overly romanticized VDAY…I would like 
to comment about Mothers’ day for the folks who find it painfully awkward.
These are the people who stand in front of the card racks looking at the sentimental cards thinking, “NO Way , will I send that lie to her” or simply passing them by for something more truthful. They turn to the humorous or the bland and simple , “Wishing you the best on this day” and ultimately grab the one that represents the closest to the truth or at least the smallest lie. Some succumb to the lie hoping it will somehow become truth.
These are the people who grew up walking on eggshells and living in emotional mine fields. Their lives were not simply ordinary with the occasional bump or rough spot. These are the people whose roller coaster childhoods and youth hit rough spots weekly if not daily. The rough spots may have come with physical pain, bruises and breaks while others had the hidden injuries and emotional bruising of deliberate verbal and emotional abuse. Others with no less emotional pain suffered because of a mother’s mental illness or substance abuse.
These are the people who experienced a warped version of mother-love that was more about the mother’s needs than the children. These are people whose mother demanded center stage and was jealous of her children and their accomplishment while using their accomplishments to feed her own ego and need for attention and affirmation. These are people whose mothers threw more tantrums than they did.
These are the people who wanted to love their mothers and found reasons (excuses) for the erratic, scary, and painful episodes. These are the people who only knew something different if they saw it on television or glimpsed it in the home of a friend or family member.
These are the people who had to consider each word or act for the possible responses. Neutral was good, positive was better, but negative was always hanging over like a dark cloud waiting to strike like summer lightening. There were no small events. A broken glass was a crisis, a forgotten chore was a diatribe, a poor grade or some minor infraction was a personal embarrassment for their mothers. A misspoken word or unguarded expression ignited an angry outburst. These are the people who understood that their Mother’s wishes, ideas, plans, preferences, and requirements took precedence.
These are the people who cling to the good moments when their mothers were thoughtful, helpful, supportive, and generous. These are the people who endured the overly dramatic and uncomfortable demonstrations of affection or the cold-shoulder or the expositions of “I have done so much for you and you ………..” or the anger and mean words, or the manipulations and exaggerations.
These are the people who observed one charming and delightful person who appeared before strangers and others outside the family and disappeared once inside the car or house. Worse, the same person would suddenly turn on them in front of their friends and humiliate them.
These are the people who tried to be good children. They wanted a harmonious relationship with their mother. They learned to conceal their own personality and to blend into the background. They learned to not draw attention to themselves. They learned to do what it takes to “keep Mom happy” which meant keeping secrets, not disagreeing, doing what she wanted, going where she wanted, saying the right things, figuring out the right gifts, complimenting her, and accomplishing things that would reflect positively on her and that she could boast about.
These are the people whose relationships with other members of their family suffered because of their mothers. These are the people whose primary role model for being reasonable, stable, compassionate human beings failed them. They had to actively seek those role models in others. These are the people whose fathers even though loving and kind somehow failed them because they could not successfully intercede and protect his children.
These are the people who fight their feelings of guilt because they do not “just forget the other stuff” and love their mother because “they are supposed to love their mother“. These are the people who would be praised for not keeping such a person as a friend but are expected to maintain a toxic relationship with their mother. These are the people who are told to love someone they do not like.
These are the people who grow up fearing they will be this type of person. These are people who either shy away from relationships or fly into the arms of anyone who shows affection or offers the hand of friendship only to be disappointed by many of these relationships. These are the people whose friends may never know about their home lives or not believe them when they try to share. After all they only see the charming woman who gives them wonderful food and chats with them.
These are the people who feel guilty for every relationship that does not work. These are the people who worry and who fear what may happen next. These are the people who expect something bad to happen just when things are going great. These are the people who fear happiness will suddenly be taken away from them.
These are the people who spend their time as parents figuring out how to be the kind of parent they wanted. These are the people who agonize when they feel they failed their own children. These are people who often become better parents than they imagine. These are people whose children get a glimpse into their parent’s childhoods and cherish their parents the more for it.
These are the people who may have a relationship with their mother only because they are determined to do so or because they have been able to willfully forgive and continue to forgive. These are the people whose mother continues to manipulate, berate, and abuse them even as adults. These are the people who do not want to spend the day with their mother even though they may just to keep the peace in the family.
They may be the people who could no longer play the game. These are the people who may have finally taken control of their lives. They may have finally severed all connections with their mother. They may have had to move thousands of miles away or they may simply be on the other side of town. Their mother may have turned against them and even seeks retribution for what she considers betrayal. They may be cut off from other members of the family.
For each of these people who struggled to become a good parent, wife, husband, sister, brother, child, friend, human being we should rejoice and celebrate their determination, courage, and stamina. We should be thankful for the strength of the human spirit to overcome nurture with nature.
If you have or had a kind and wonderful Mother who eased your way in life then consider yourself fortunate and blessed.
If you are a kind and wonderful Mother who nurtures your children with unconditional love and with firm but gentle lessons thank you and bless you.
note: on Father’s day this article could be appropriate as well.