Onedia in the Ozarks

In the 1960s and 1970s many books, films, and TV employed a recurring theme that was either done as an overused dramatic device or a hardly humorous comedy line. The cliché was “it is all my (insert appropriate parent) fault“. Viewers rolled their eyes, laughed, shook their heads solemnly, nodded, or just sat there waiting for the next line to be delivered and the plot to thicken.  However, for many families who may even have laughed there was too much truth in the script for comfort.  They may even have made jokes in their families or quietly complained to each other.

Later, the much used phrase “dysfunctional family” became popular as both serious storyline or comedic themes. Same thing happened.  Some family members made jokes or quietly complained amongst themselves. The sad reality is that the jokes were true and so were the serious themes.  I am not specifically writing about the horrendous levels that you may immediately imagine.

I am writing about the mentally and emotionally charged environments created by one or more parent or even a sibling in a home environment.  I am writing about families that tread carefully and speak cautiously in their homes never knowing when there might be an emotional outburst that is either inappropriate or out of proportion to the circumstance. In two-year-olds we name them tantrums.  I am writing about families who live with a person whose response to everything is colored by the need to be overly dramatic, to be adored, to be perpetually right, and for whom love is more about self than about others.

These people emotionally control the family.  If he or she is unhappy or angry then the entire family is as well. No one is excluded from the tantrums and pouts unless an ally is drafted.  The family energy is spent keeping one individual from becoming upset.  Everything is a drama and nothing is discussed at a normal decibel level and never ever in rational, reasonable discourse.  Any disagreement is deigned criticism of  ”poor little me who has always been abused and ill-treated”. The family lives in low-grade terror even though they may never be  physically touched in anger or punishment.

Some families attempt to find reasons or excuses for their loved one’s behavior.  Blaming their poor control and manipulative narcissism on an event or life circumstances.  These people are perpetually ailing with frequent trips to the doctor or emergency room. They need medicine; they are in pain; they must be catered to.  They are proud parents when their children’s behavior and achievements are deemed to reflect positively on the parent. However, if the child does ANYTHING that may embarrass the parent then the child is unfairly and unduly berated for having embarrassed or humiliated the parent.

This is not to say that love is not displayed.  However, it may be displayed in excess or in ways that are satisfying to the parent more than to the children.  Once again, not to the extremes of anything abusive, simply embarrassing and demanding.  The child who hates being tickled is tickled and the child who doesn’t want to be kissed in public is given several kisses with a big show attached.

Meanwhile the children grow up hoping they will not be like the dramatic parent. They grow up wondering how families are supposed to behave.  They have little idea how relationships are supposed to work and the little may be from books, film, and TV.  They live in fear for their own mental stability. They may feel anxious and uncertain.  They may doubt themselves. They even grow up feeling protective and responsible for taking care of the parent who mentally torments them.

Think about it.  How many of these children grow up and have happy and stable relationships?  How many find parenting easy with few second-thoughts about their actions or decisions?  How many of these people grow up to live their lives without the need to examine their own self-worth and their own psychological stability?

Even as adults these children must continue to deal with the drama parent.  Some do so by being the sibling who is there helping and quietly enduring. Another may get-the-hell-out-of-Dodge and with distance find some levels of peace and control of their lives. Others may float someplace in between. There are many options.  But the one thing most of these grown-ups probably seek is having some portion of their lives operate with a  reasonable predictability and minimal drama.

You may not know people from this type of family situation. You may know people who experienced this but who never share that with anyone. You may be someone with a drama parent. ¹ It is a type of psychological abuse that is often unrecognized by ordinary people even those living it.  People who live with it often color it with a different lens or shrug it off, endure it or even deny it.  The situation is insidious and destructive. It does not end without enormous strength of character and ultimately the innate need to protect oneself and one’s own family. Because often the only real solution is to simply walk away.