Imagine a day when you have some small worry 1 that so consumed you that while walking about and carrying on the day you were reciting a silent litany of, “please don’t let that happen” or “please let it be okay” . Meanwhile in the outer world you are easily distracted and often clumsy. Extra diligence and constant mental redirection is necessary simply to keep focused on conversations and tasks at hand.
Imagine a pain or small ailment that becomes a source of fear in your mind. Imagine being torn each month when it is time for self breast exam. You are terrified to do it because you might find something and terrified not to because you might not find something. Imagine spinning yourself up for two weeks before your annual physical worried that they may discover something terrible. Imagine walking around with your heart beating wildly for several days until you get the results of your mammogram.
Now imagine the need to force yourself to sit down and do your bills because of the fear and anxiety that it causes. No, you are not so in debt that you cannot pay. It is that doing your bills causes you to think of the worst things that might happen. ”What if some disaster happens and you cannot pay? What if something happens to you? Have you taken care of your family? What if … “
Imagine coming home from a social event and the entire drive is spent mentally rehashing every encounter and every conversation to see if you did or said the right thing? Imagine being at that event and having to generate the facade that you are at ease and confident and glad to be there. What do people think of you? Imagine not hearing from a friend for a while and wondering what you might have said or done to cause him or her to be upset with you.
Imagine taking your daily vitamin right after putting lotion on your hands. You remember the lotion; imagine that it might contaminate the vitamin so you spit out the vitamin. You then wash your hands thoroughly before getting another vitamin and carefully putting it into your mouth. Imagine walking around with your heart racing and your thoughts spinning because you are so anxious and agitated.
Imagine getting ready for the trip of a lifetime and being so worried about the awful things that could happen. You write a letter to your trusted family member telling him where all the financial info is and who and what and where. You get not one but two travel insurance policies. You are so worried about getting deep leg thrombosis 2 that on the flight you get up every half hour to walk the aisle to the back of the plane. 3
Along with all this going on inside your head you also have headaches, muscle tension and pain, periods of rapid heartbeats. You also have stress related ailments like grinding your teeth which brings on TMJ. You get stomach and intestinal problems. Because you get distracted so easily you are prone to bumping into things and falling. You battle physical and mental fatigue. You try meditation and exercise and reading and watching TV. Sometimes you read and watch TV at the same time for double distractions. You read constantly perhaps five books a week so that your mind has something to distract the worry thinking. Even so sometimes, you get so distracted with the worry thinking 4 that your family must repeatedly call your name to get your attention.
Imagine this building from simply being a little bit of a worrier when you are in your early twenties to the point that your life is totally disrupted by worry and obsessive thinking or compulsive behavior. Along with the worry are signs of depression 5 until things are so acute that you spend a lot of your day napping or crying or just doing anything to keep your mind silent. Then there are the panic attacks. Even mild ones will start your heart racing, your thoughts whirling, your head feeling a tingly rush along with shaking hands, weak limbs, and a 300 pound butterfly in you stomach.
Imagine that you are not the only one suffering. Your family sees and knows your distress. When your anxiety is flaring you are easily annoyed and have a short fuse getting irritated and then angry at a speed worthy of Formula One racing. You often do not even know how you got angry so quickly and you find that you have bridges to mend and apologies to make and something more to worry over. 6
In June of 2006 I wrote a post about Anxiety Disorders with statistics and links to organizations that research or support people with these disorders. Many people are reluctant to share information about their battle with anxiety. Many people go undiagnosed and therefore untreated for much of their lives. They and their families live with this on a daily basis. It impacts everyone not simply the person with Anxiety. You may think that the scenarios I ask you to imagine are simply from my imagination. Not so; they are real; these are my experiences.
For years I walked around seemingly calm, cool, collected and totally in control of me, my life, my world. Inside my head the exact opposite was true. I was a competent and reasonably successful professional with a family and all that I needed in things. Some days were fine with only minimal worry that I could deal with. My logical mind told my emotions and anxieties that they WERE unreasonable and to stop. I could stop the worry thinking by countering every bad possibility with an alternative or with an example of how I/we would deal with it. I could let go and move on. Other days were an emotional roller coaster. These days required large expenditures of mental energy simply to be productive and get to the end of the working day. Home was my only refuge. On days that I experienced heightened anxiety I spent the evening dozing on the sofa or escaping into a book.
Because I was not diagnosed 7 until I was almost fifty I spent most of my adulthood in fearful living. Fortunately, now there is medication along with therapy and meditation and other ways to combat the anxiety and the depression that sometimes cycles in. Most of my days are easy and balanced but exceptionally stressful situations that drag on can cause little flares or mini panic attacks.
My husband and daughter suffered along with me for years. They were deep wells of support and love. I am so thankful for them and for the love they show in their tolerance and their understanding. My wish in writing this very personal post is to tell those who see similarities in their own lives or that of their loved ones that you can reduce the suffering and make life one hundred per cent better.